Private sexual sin is as worse than any other sexual sins

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 “Oh, I’m not hurting anyone. It’s just me, myself, and I.”

We tend to minimize the sin of self-pleasure because we think that it is not affecting any other person. Unlike having an actual human being as a partner, we are committing the sin. So we trick our brains to thinking this is no big deal. This is why it is easier to sin in this manner. However, all of these conclusions are lies from Satan. Not only our we sinning against God, we are sinning against ourselves and our future spouse.

How? We rob ourselves of sanctification. Instead of becoming more like Christ, we choose to act upon the desires of the flesh.

We look less and less like Christ when we choose ourselves over Him.

We further blur the image of God in us. Not only that, we also violate ourselves. While touching yourself is indeed pleasurable, you are essentially abusing yourself. You use yourself to fulfill a desire that will eventually destroy you. It is a sure self-destructive path.

I think the most obvious, (or maybe not) is that we are robbing our future spouse of the gift of sexual purity and our full capacity to engage and enjoy sex. Sexual purity, they say is one of the greatest gift you can give your spouse and I still stand behind that. There are less baggage and less psychological trash when there is less sexual activities. Sex is designed to be pleasurable and when there is only one person who could make you feel that pleasure, it creates a bond that is hard to break. So if you give that feeling to your spouse and to yourself, you are not wholly and fully giving yourself to your spouse. But most importantly, the activity is a spit in the face of God. It is saying that you can do it yourself so you do not need to follow His design. What’s worse is when we minimize it.

Church, my fellow brothers AND sisters who struggle with masturbation, may we all strive towards holiness. Regardless of how you got into the habit of masturbating, may it be through an abuse, pornography, etc., the Holy Spirit is able to help you to fight against it. Also, be open to your community. Ask them to pray for you and keep you accountable. At the end of the day, if we are practicing and relying on Jesus to satisfy our deepest desires, we will see the quick and fleeting pleasure that masturbation brings is nothing compared to the satisfaction found in Jesus.

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I Want to be a Truth Teller. 

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Strength of Joy Poems

I want to

Be a truth-teller.

For the real to run off my

Tongue and to start a

Current to your source.

But I sputter soliloquies

And they are rusty waters,

Browned of pretense dripping

For the roof of my mouth

And sticky of something

Clever that I like too much

To keep to myself.

I twist and I mix until

It tastes good to me;

I approve what I can to make

Truth sweet to the tongue.

The

Waters are strong,

But I don’t know where

They are flowing to.

And now,

These waves have

Made my mouth

Rot.

I want to be a truth-teller

And sometimes I’m not.

But You are and when

I see You as You are,

Your scars encrypt the

Inside of my eyelids;

I see my lips

Are dust and

Your love is selfless

Water, clean and good;

It bends to flow new

Songs,

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It Still Haunts Me

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A year has passed since I decided to end whatever we had at that time. I was utterly confused what made you say the things that you said. It’s been a year, but almost everything triggers the pain that is still there. I have forgiven you and you have forgiven me, but I feel like there are so many things that are left unsaid to each other- at least I still have a lot of things to say to you.

I teach young people to wait for God’s best, to not enter into a relationship until they are ready to get married. I tell them that in every relationship that they get into will ultimately impact their marriage in the future. I understand that more fully now. I have been praying for healing and the after effects of the relationship were more painful than the effect at that time. It’s true that our family of origin will have a huge impact on us, but I do think that the most previous relationship that we have prior to marriage will define how we handle the next relationship. It has been affecting me.

What does it look like to desire marriage? 

My desire for marriage has been heightened these days more than ever. Not only am I now 24, but I am also about to graduate from the seminary. I have to decide where to go next, but at the same time, I want to plan in such a way that I could easily piggyback on my future husband’s own calling. And most recently, I have decided to like this particular guy. Yes, I have decided. I have decided because it was an informed decision and it had to be an informed decision because many aspects were to be risked including our friendship, our ministry, and my sanity. So for months, I have only prayed about praying. My friends laughed at that idea.

Prayed about praying? Why? Because I was afraid that I was going to invest emotions on this person that I do not even know if he likes me back. So I never prayed for him by name. My friends started to get engaged and get married and have babies. My parents and grandparents are now asking me when I plan to move on from singleness as well. I believe it is God’s way to push me to pray. I stopped praying after my past relationship crashed and burned to the ground. I knew I had to talk to somebody about it. So I did. I told the women’s minister of our church that I have been struggling with loneliness and it has been driving me more to pray for marriage. I asked her if that is sinful. I almost felt that me desiring marriage is sinful. She said no. She said that we do need to pray for our future spouse and if God puts a name in your heart, you need to obey. [I will explain this further in another blog post]. And I mentioned that I was praying about praying. She asked me why. So I recounted to her my experience with my past relationship. I told her that I prayed for him for 8 months and he prayed for me for a year before we started dating, but it still failed. I told her that the relationship was a mess and that because of this I became bitter towards God [Thankfully, God granted me the grace to repent from this sin]. As a response, I hesitated praying for this guy by name.

She then pointed out that I am driven by fear, that I wasn’t trusting the Lord on this, and that is SIN.

I did not want to pray for him because I know that once I start praying for him, I am giving him to the Lord and God could do anything with him. That FREAKED me out. I thought I was protecting myself in a good way, but in fact I was protecting myself in a bad way.

I knew that that had to change. I immediately repented of my doubting and gave my fear to the Lord [THANK GOD!] I immediately felt freedom in my heart to continue to desire for marriage. So my resolve was to pray for him by name, but it was now more than my desire for him, but my desire to trust the Lord and give the desire to Him who knows me more than I know myself. In my flesh, I still had a bit of hesitation. I asked God for another “sign” and he delivered, leaving me helpless. So I prayed.

A week passed by and nothing happened. I wanted to stop praying because nothing was happening. The Holy Spirit again convicted me and showed my bad attitude towards prayer. Not every prayer is like praying for a parking spot. “Lord, please give me a spot…oh there’s one! Thank You, Lord.” No. It’s not always like that. God showed me that I do not have endurance. So I am continually knocking on the door of heaven, learning as I pray on.

This is not even about him anymore. This about me and my desire to see more of God. The God who fulfills my deepest longings and Who answers prayers.

{I think we ought to rethink how and what we teach our young people. We need to remind them that marriage is good and desiring it is not sinful. Nevertheless, desiring marriage more than God is SINFUL. We need to have a healthy view of marriage in order to desire it properly. I am not saying that our desires would be void of sin because we are still in our fallen bodies, but it is possible to pray for marriage without idolizing it.We ought to pray for our future mates. [I will be posting another blog post on how to pray for a mate]}

An Autopsy of a Failed Relationship

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When I started having feelings for you, I immediately asked God whether you are the one or you’re a lesson. I guess I finally got the answer.

It’s almost a year now since we stopped talking. When I decided to “end” thingsI put quotations mark around the word end because I think it’s foolish to say it straight up because I know that technically, we never really started. I was the impatient one. I was so used to taking charge of everything that I forgot to let you be a man.

  1. I had my idealizations and expectations
    • I have my own ideas and expectations of what they guy I would marry should look like. I have this list that I have kept in my head. I know some of the characteristics in my list are not actually in you, but I try to insist that you do so that I could comfort myself that I have indeed invested on the right person. What selfishness. I was so full of myself that I wanted our relationship to look perfect as if there is such a thing.
  2. I was not willing to see my sin and I wasn’t ready to deal with it
    • I am a proud person. I guess you know that already. Most of the time, when you would call me out, I would make a case for myself and point the finger back to you. What a selfish human being I was. I was not ready to deal with my sin, precisely because I was still enjoying it and look where it got me. I even dragged you with me.
  3. I did not let you lead
    • We started as friends and then we became co-workers. I was always the one in charge of things and so I think I never really got over that, and I think you didn’t either. You didn’t know how to handle me so you often retract because I was too strong. I’m sorry because I thought I didn’t have any issues on submission, listening, and receiving criticism. But I know that now. I always want to be in control. I controlled what I want you to say to me, when I wanted you to say it to me, and how you were gonna say it. I was the control freak I never wanna be with. I was very manipulative and I did not give you room to exercise your God-given ability to lead.
  4. I idolized you
    • I looked to you to make me happy. I know now that that is foolish because only God could do that for me. Whenever you did some crappy thing, I immediately judged you, not out love, but out of concern that you will not be able to fulfill my needs. I thought I was past the phase of being in a relationship and seeking my own happiness in it. I thought I was done with being the person who was always getting. On the contrary, I thought I was the one who was always giving. But that wasn’t always the case. I know that you gave too.
    • I knew this to be true because when we didn’t work out, I actually became really bitter towards the Lord. I thought you were the one that I charged God to be holding back something good from me.

So as I wait upon God’s Best, these are the things I would do so that I will not repeat the same mistakes I committed.

  1. I will wait for someone who loves the Lord, period.
    • This is my list. I know that if he loves the Lord, he will not continue on sinning and will pursue holiness, and honestly, that’s all I need. I know that if you love God, you will seek His will and you will lead me well. I know that if you love the Lord, you will love me too. I will trust the Lord that He knows what I need more than I know. In that way, I will not put unnecessary pressure on you and you don’t have to perform, but you will be free to be yourself around me.
  2. I will seek regular mentoring, discipleship, and peer counseling
    • I know that I am not that mature yet and that I will never stop sinning until I actually die. But there are still a lot of sin issues in my life that would not be too attractive. I have prayed that God will make my conscious be more sensitive to the rebuke of the Holy Spirit and that I will be more open to constructive criticisms. I will make myself vulnerable to others wherein they would easily be able to see my sin and call me to repentance. Pray for me as well, that I would always be quick to repent.
  3. I will practice submission to authority
    • My mom once told me that sometimes, even when she knows she’s right but my dad keep on insisting on his ways, she will let him crash and burn. Not so that she could say “I told you so,” but so that she would exercise godly submission and that my dad will learn to be wiser next time. Inspite of that, her respect for my dad should never rely on his ability to lead well. She is to always respect him and to call him out whenever it is needed. I know I still have a problem of standing down when it doesn’t go my way or it isn’t done my way. But I pray that I will allow God to work that out in me.
  4. I will continue to seek God and allow Him to fulfill me
    • Honestly, I need more knowledge on what it’s like to be married. I know I would not know everything by the time I am to get married. But I would continue to seek the Bible for answers and guidance so that I could actually be less of a burden to you and more of a helpmeet. I know that from time to time we would inconvenience each other because of our shortcomings. But hey, sin is an inconvenience so we should always be patient with each other. I wanna learn to be patient with myself so that I could be patient with you too. I look forward to reading the Bible with you and praying for you, but just so that it would not be a new thing for me, I would continue to exercise these disciplines.

I think what I am saying is that I understand now what happened. I praise God for letting me see my sin and giving me the grace to ask for forgiveness. He redirected me to the cross and He allowed me to swim in the vast ocean of His grace.

I now know that I got my closure, God’s definition of closure: Me recognizing my sin and repenting from it.

 

Reflections on 1 John 1:Darkness vs. Light

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Lately, I have been reflecting on how I am living my life. I have been dealing with a lot of sin lately. Sin is usually categorized as sin of the flesh or sin of the mind. I have been dealing with both. I have learned that the more that you are aware of how often you sin, the more you ask the question: Am I really a Christian?

When I first heard one of my friends ask this, I was turned off. I have always believed in once saved, always saved. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in that. But I have been exposed to a lot of people who say that they are a Christian, but do not act like a Christian. I am guilty of that once or twice or thrice…you get what I mean. So it is a legit question for a Christian to ask this. Not because they are doubting their salvation, but rather it is a reflective kind of question.

1 John opens with a paragraph talking about the how Jesus and His message of hope became apparent and was proclaimed by those who walked with Him in this world. John wanted the timeless reader to know and be sure that they are in Christ. What does this mean? Does this mean that we could actually we lose our salvation then? No. His point is that some people THINK they are a Christian, but they do not ACT like a Christian.Christianity is not like that. It cannot be lived only in the mind. We cannot only be sanctified in the mind (thoughts), but also in the flesh (actions).

He goes on saying that some people might think or claim that they are not sinners or that they do not need a savior. We see this very often in our post-modern culture. Some try to be as holy as possible using their own might, while some do not even bother to think about it. Both though are saying that it is possible for them to have no sin. How then could we could we be made holy in both our thought-life and our actions? We see the answer in 1 John 1:9. This is one of the first verses I was able to memorize as a kid. God wants us to come to Him with our sins. Christians become positionally holy when they repented of their original sin, but being positionally holy does not mean that we will not be sinning at all. So there should be a continuos repentance of our sins of the flesh and sins of the mind.

So the question now, what side often wins? Is the darkness or the light? Verse 5 talks about God being the light and that He is opposed to darkness. It is so clear in verse 6 that it is not possible that we live in sin and be in Christ. It’s just not possible. We deceive ourselves. In practical terms, we always need to have a self-evaluation by asking God to seek our rotten hearts for any sins that we are hiding away and expose that. Because if we have sins that we baby, we might not be in Him.

I want to be in the light all the time. I have been praying for more sensitivity against sin. I ask God to make me hate sin so much that I would not dare even think about sinning. It’s hard though because we are still in the flesh. But it’s not impossible. I know that this is a prayer that God will answer.

Rebuke with Love

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*chill*
 
Let’s make this “short” and direct. (I tried)
 
I do not agree with same-sex relationships/marriage and abortion…and all the other sexual sins enumerated in the Bible. It is not “just because the Bible said so,” but there is a logic to it as to why it is being prohibited. But of course, in our post-modern society, people rarely think about the concequences of their decisions in the moment. Carpe Diem nga daw kasi and Just Do It! So most of the time, the Bible and those who quote the Bible (correct and incorrectly) are called closed-minded and self-righteous people. The funny thing is that even when I say my opinions in the most “nice” way possible, I still end up being called a bigot. We are all bigots, in one way or another then?
 
I have had my own share of rebellion against what the Bible says, and I have suffered consequences in various degrees. So no, I am not claiming to be clean. But I think that does not discredit me from saying that something is wrong according to the Bible. I think that actually gives me credibility when I say that disobeying the Bible has consequences. And the logic behind why we (or at least for me) proclaim what the Bible says is that we know the consequences and if we do not speak up, we will be accountable to God for you. I am not declaring that it is only me who holds THE truth. God created us with a conscience and he has “written the law in our hearts (Rom. 2:15)” and that is the reason we do not kill each other out of a whim. But we do not expect EVERYONE to take heed. So igore the message, if you may.
 
There are a lot of layers to this discourse. So many opinions and views on homosexuality. Different definitions of what it means to be gay. Some see themselves as an incarnate of homosexuality, while some were able to overcome their homosexuality because for them homosexuality is a lifestyle. So could both be true then, or is the latter just a perception? I personally know a lot of former homosexuals who would testify to this.
We also define LOVE differently. For some people to LOVE is to accept a person and let that person be “happy.” For some to LOVE is to rebuke. I agree with the latter. I LOVE MY GAY FRIENDS. I love them and all of them know that I do not agree with their lifestyle.
 
I am against discrimination of any kind (racial, gender, age, etc). I am against any kind of abuse. I will never equate a person or a person’s actions to an animal (unless you ask me to talk about human evolution or I’m just being poetic). I do not agree with how Mr. Pacquiao phrased his sentiments, but I do commend that he immediately apologized. Many people were hurt in the process. I hate looking at the posts where there is name-calling and cussing. (Freedom of speech, indeed)
 
I know what it means to lose friends for standing for what I believe in.
Do not be scared to offend a person as long as you are saying it with LOVE BALANCED WITH REBUKE.
 
No matter how I write this post, there will be someone who will be offended. That’s how diverse people are. But I reject the belief that there are no absolutes. There is a God.

PUNK PRINCESS

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Once in a while, I like to dress-up and take [A lot of] pictures.

Camera used: Go Pro 4 Session

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Starting Out

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This is the real me. There is so much happiness in me right now. I know that I have been cooped up inside a bubble, and I have recently popped that bubble. It’s time to share to the world the happiness that God has given to me.

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I feel like my phone is a sword that I just drew.

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I was trying to hide the phone.

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I have never been conscious of my face – specifically my nose. At least until I got to the US.

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Now I just look like my father.

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I don’t even know how to describe this pose.

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Final shot.